So I have my fifth (yes, FIVE) ultrasound tomorrow to see how big Avery has gotten. I can't believe he is due just 28 days from today. I guess I say "just" 28 days.. but in my heart that seems like an eternity. But I really think that every day with a baby in your belly feels like forever, but every day with a baby in my arms is probably going to feel like a split second. I'm not trying to wish my pregnancy away because it's terrible, but I long to hold sweet little Avery so bad that it hurts. And I think I've convinced myself that he is going to come early because I'm already dilated and effaced but in all reality, he'll probably be late just since I want him to come so soon! I know I can't be the only soon-to-be mom feeling this way though.
I am in awe that this little bean has grown into a perfect little boy.
I had an ultrasound 4 weeks ago to see how big he is (4lbs 11oz at 32 weeks!). My doctor said that is in the 70th percentile so he's a pretty big boy. Tomorrow I am determined to drink something sweet to make him move around for some good pictures because I guess he is just the typical boy and the last 3 ultrasounds all he has wanted to do is hide his face, hold his legs and show off his man parts. I just want to see his face!!
Through all this craziness though, God is really teaching me to hold Avery with an open palm. It's so easy for me (and I think I can speak for Jake too) to think that I have a right to be Avery's mom and that it is completely my job to take care of him. God has been showing me through this whole journey that He is in complete control and that this baby is truly His; He has just entrusted Avery to us for a short time. Jake and I joke all the time about how our friends are all the "five year plan" that follows the timeline of getting married, buying a house, having a dog and then planning to have babies. We were on this plan too, even though it was an unspoken thing. Then when I got pregnant, had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again (all completely unplanned) it threw us for a HUGE loop. After moving to Clarksville from Murfreesboro almost a whim when Jake got a new job, we were frustrated about how out of control we felt. God has been so faithful to set up ebenezers along the way to remind us that He has complete control and that His ways are so much better than ours. I'm not saying we don't struggle or that we don't worry about anything, but the Lord has been consistently reminding us of his faithfulness.
I say all that to get to the thing that has been weighing on my heart the most - how the heck am I ever going to be a good mom? And as I open my Bible and read every morning for the past week and a half, God has not given me any clear answer or any more peace on how or if I'm really going to be capable of having Avery at home and taking care of him and not worrying myself to death about every little thing that happens. BUT, He has spoken to my heart over and over and OVER again to just remind me that I need to hold Avery out to Him with an open hand and not the closed fist that I have been doing. It's been a good reminder to my heart that we need to live with everything that way, because nothing that we have is truly ours. The greatest peace comes with giving things to God and truly trusting that His ways are so much greater than ours.
Jake and I have concluded from lots of praying together that the best we can do as far as taking care of our children is reminding them of the Truth and living according to this scripture:
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 (ESV)
